I know I have only 6 weeks left of this, but it feels like an eternity.
I am so done being a single parent. I'm so done with the loneliness,
the exhaustion, the vulnerability, the feeling like a failure, the
meltdowns endured alone, the feeling of being a tag-a-long to so many of
your friends with kids because it's lonely, exhausting, and scary to go
out and do a lot of things with kids by yourself. I'm so done. I'm so
done feeling nervous for a 3-day weekend because it's 3 days to figure
out activities, of things to do that are enriching, things that are fun
and safe for an almost 2-year-old, things that are within a close drive
and not too crowded (read: we've done them all). I'm so done with being
ripped out of sleep every morning, and never getting to be the one that
rolls over and says "your turn." I'm so done feeling the oppressive
quiet of the house when G goes to bed at night. I'm so done watching TV
show after TV show after TV show because there's nothing else to do.
I'm so done paying $50-$60 so I can go to Target by myself. I'm so done
telling people you're deployed right now, but it's "okay," because it's
not. It never was, still isn't. I'm so done not getting laugh with you
over something adorable G says. I'm so done having to cook and entertain
a toddler at the same time. I'm so done not having someone to run
errands, and I'm so done not getting to run errands by myself. I'm so
done having to endure another holiday without you. I'm so done feeling
resentful, then guilty, then sad over seeing pictures of families going,
doing, growing together. I'm so done with war. I'm so done with humans
inflicting misery on other humans. I'm so done knowing I should be brave
and strong but not feeling it at all. I'm so done.
I'm so done missing you.
