We’ve had a good stretch of holidays in the recent past, holidays which are now so inflected with new personal meaning to me for two reasons: (1) we have a daughter, and (2) M is deployed. I started Honor Project thinking that I would write regularly, or at least at milestones, or at least when the honor-spirit moved me...
but I have to admit...
I got very BUSY (with work, life, and mommyhood)
then
l
a
z
y
and then at times, I was feeling a little too
s a d....
Then I was worried about dragging others down with me by posting something too honest, that this is hard stuff, or on the flip side, if I was feeling a bit too inspired and would come across as some sort of arrogant Pollyana. On more than one occasion I’ve found myself in social exchanges with well-intentioned people where, after announcing my current situation, I felt awkward and not knowing what to say, so I didn’t come across as being too positive or too depressing.
The truth is, these string of holidays, which once represented an escape from work and an excuse to party (albeit around a theme or a tradition), have always been fun, but they have also been sad. And I think lately the sadness has been more tied to the fact that sometimes it’s still hard, no matter what you tell people to convince them not to worry about you, that you’re making it through the days/weeks/months. And sometimes people stop asking, which they should, because you have gotten pretty good at this alternate version of your life, that you are resilient, and that you are finding new joys. But you never stop missing the part of your family that makes your family a whole lot bigger than the sum of its parts. You never stop pining for the pre-deployment, and hoping for the post-deployment. You choose to keep slogging on, because it never really was a choice, just a burden handed to you.
But then, just when you’re kinda feeling like you’re the sole parade float left on the street, and everybody already packed up their picnic chairs and coolers and went home, and you’re there to roll on down that empty Main Street, USA, something really cool and thoughtful and touching happens...
Like a bunch of four and five-year olds send you a book they made with letters and drawings thanking your husband for fighting for their freedom....
and upon receiving a note of thanks from your husband, along with a bunch of American flag pencils, they make a bulletin board display at their school displaying the thank you letter.
That makes me proud, too.
So, happy 4th of July, family, friends, and nation! We’re not perfect, we have a lot of problems, but we became a country 236 years ago, and I’m thankful for our independence, bravery, country fairs with deep-fried ice cream, migraine-inducing amusement parks, beer cozies, and big cars. I’m thankful for the honor we show in trying to stand up for what we think is right and just. I’m thankful that even though we make a lot of mistakes, we seem to eventually own up to them and try to keep fixing them. I’m thankful for the evangelicals and the atheists. I’m thankful for the donkeys, and the elephants, too. I’m thankful that all of us crazies can (mostly) inhabit this stretch of land in peace, as neighbors, coworkers, and fellow citizens. I’m thankful that I met my husband in this fantastical land, and that we had our daughter here, too, and I’m thankful that whether it be right coast or left coast, this will always be home.
And I appreciate Independence Day, mostly because of the infinite number of choices we have all been granted, just by being American, and I appreciate and honor those that continue to serve and protect those choices.
And on that note, G wishes you all a happy 4th, too!
{ctrl-v gratuitously cute toddler pic}
